I officially started my journey on July 13th, as near as I can tell. A month later, I found the teachers I needed to guide me through my studies. A month after that, I performed my first solo ritual. November and December were somewhat light, magically speaking. School took over, and holiday obligations, but exactly five months after I began this journey I decided to ask my cards what I should be working on.
I’d moved from religion-averse to more religion-neutral during this time. Listening to Kaye and Chase talk about their gods got me more and more intrigued. I still didn’t know anything about relationships with the Divine at this point, but I imagined it to be a bit like a warm, fuzzy feeling when you thought about your god, the way I get when I think about bees.
The cards were pretty adamant that I should be focusing on a Norse goddess of hearth and home, the Lady Frigga. I set about learning everything I could about Her and preparing my house to welcome Her in. I cleaned and organized and mentally dedicated those activities to Her– I wasn’t ready to try and make first contact, so I was trying to avoid getting Her attention just yet.
My practice involves the use of entheogens– specifically marijuana. I use it recreationally as well, but it really helps to clear out the static in my head.
I was partaking one evening while playing with my cards, as I do, and talking to myself about why I didn’t want to ask the cards anything about Her. My justification was that I wasn’t ready yet, but seconds after having that thought I knew She was there. She must have heard me, or taken note of the work I’d done in Her name, because I could feel Her presence.
You’d imagine it would have been intense or overwhelming, but it wasn’t. There was no flash of light, no trumpet, nothing. If you had been watching me, you might not have known anything had happened.
Internally, it was a different story. I was filled with this deep, steady knowledge so different from my own knowledge, I knew it had to have come from Someone else. She approved of the work I’d done in my apartment, but my fridge was embarrassing and I would need to learn to cook. It was one of the first things I’ve felt in my life that I am physically incapable of doubting.
This happened on Tuesday. By Friday afternoon, I’d gone to IKEA and bought everything I’d need to set up a shrine in my living room. I toyed with the idea of putting it in my bedroom because I was still kind of nervous about showing this to other people, but She would have none of it and demanded to have Her shrine in a very prominent place where She could see the entire house. The perfect spot had been sitting empty on my wall, waiting for this.
I burn beeswax candles and incense regularly, and leave a few bites of whatever I’m eating at home as an offering. I’ve felt Her presence once more since, after I stood in front of the shrine and prayed out loud for the first time in my life. I stumbled and stammered and felt so very uncomfortable, but I’d lost the feeling of “there’s no one listening” and gone instead to “I don’t want to sound stupid”.
She came to me and we sat together. I wrote about how scared I was to introduce this to my husband and She reassured me that I had chosen well and that he would love and support me no matter what.
Now, I’m an avowed pagan and squishy polytheist, planning e-shrines and devotional books, and daydreaming about Her shrine in our future farmhouse, and I couldn’t be happier.