I told you all I would write a post full of revelations tonight, and I will.
Tonight’s revelation was the heaviest I’ve had. Most of them have been about the nature of the universe, the inheritance of soul DNA and soul molecules, you know—the usual. Here and there, the Old Man has sprinkled in a few personal revelations—mostly about aging and my relationship to physical attractiveness—but they’ve been pretty mild.
Tonight, though. Tonight was some shit.
I just wanted to get high and read some cards, damn it. Instead, Adam texted me and things were getting hot but I realized I desperately did not want to skype with him. I was high enough to analyze that logically and note that it didn’t make sense.
I started a train of thought and had to write it down, explaining my thought process for why that would be. The picture it painted was very starkly, clearly, a Victim of Abuse as I had been taught by Tumblr to identify them. That really was not where I expected my night to go, but I was so floored by it I had to share it with my sisters and see what they thought. I always go to them when I’m too high to figure out if things make sense or not.
I really expected them to kindly dismiss the idea and reassure me. Instead it basically confirmed everything ever. I believe the exact phrase was, “The more we talk about this the more I feel like you’ve lived so much of your life in this broth of lowkey abuse,” which was honestly the heaviest and most relieving thing I’ve ever had someone say to me.
As the night rolled on, I ended up sharing a lot of my revelation with Adam and he was amazing and supportive and perfect, as always. He’s gone to bed now, but I’m still making more connections and understanding more things.
I’ll just leave you with this: Without Tumblr, without the open atmosphere of discussing mental illness, abuse, trauma, and power structures, I would never have had words for what’s happened to me. I would never have been able to articulate the way I saw the world, or know that it wasn’t the same world everyone else saw. It’s so crucially important to make this vocabulary available to people of every age, to make people comfortable enough to share their experiences.