March really flew by, y’all. It doesn’t help that I’m starting this post two days early, but I keep losing track of how far we’ve come since the equinox. That whole weekend stands out so clearly in my mind that I can’t quite fathom that time is continuing to pass.
March was all about Home, and I naively assumed I knew exactly what that meant.
When I was a child, home was a noun. It was a person, place, and thing. I remember when my first boyfriend and I broke up and for the first time in my life I could sit in my bedroom and be homesick. I could never quite figure out what it was I was looking for, but it was definitely gone.
Whether that feeling drove my focus on the home or my soul being home-bound made me acutely aware of the feeling, I’m not sure it matters. Either way, I’m here now, finally rebuilding something that feels like home with the people that matter.
Before this month, I fully expected to flop down comfortably and never have to feel stressed or worried again once I had everything set up. All of my problems would be solved once I made it Home.
It turns out that, for an adult, Home is a verb. Home is not just the building you’ve built your nest in but also the emotional connections to the family that inhabits your life. When you’re young, your parents are responsible for these ties and they can exist as simple facts of reality rather than the heavily-orchestrated, always-changing webs that they actually are.
Even when you’re home and everything is perfect, it will still require maintenance to keep it that way. Just as the dishes are never permanently done, relationships must have regular infusions of energy and adjustments for tension. If you don’t pay enough attention to each of your relationships in turn, especially the most important ones, you can find yourself stretched to breaking trying to meet all your obligations at once.
Originally I was so thrilled to have all of my favorite people in the same place at the same-ish time, but in practice it ended up being one of the most (delightfully) stressful times in recent memory. I wouldn’t have traded a second of it, but I would definitely try to plan better next time. Adam and I have had to readjust our expectations of our relationship at this distance and clarify the rules of priority regarding free time.
I was able to give a lot of myself to most of the people I loved, and that is wonderful for me, but I definitely need a low-output, sustained-effort kind of relationship with most people. Sudden visits with little interaction between are definitely not ideal. Thankfully, the internet offers me a multitude of virtual living rooms to rebuild those connections with and I am forever grateful.
April is Wisdom. My immediate feeling is that I’ll spend April deep in the books trying to keep my grades on track, as well as learning as much as humanly possible about Arianrhod. She has given me very clear instructions to study Her mythology and symbols in preparation for the real work, which I suspect coincides with shadow work.